What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 12:58
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Can you share 100 facts about yourself?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She loved him until the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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She wouldn,t have been !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But, we were locked up after school.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I have no regrets .
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I could never make a relationship work though!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Have you ever been instructed/forced to crossdress for the benefit of others?
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it wasn’t much.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Is it wise to choose your family over your honor?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is soul school!.
I think the readers, may guess!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I don,t even have a pension.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So whats the point in blame.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It was going to be , some day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.
She found it foreign!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My family never makes their pension either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .